I loved your feet.I loved them the most in those moments right before we fell asleep,where all I could hear was your breath and my thumping heart beat.Your little teenage girlfriend feet.

Love?Hate?Ugly?
What's the perfect word to carve into my arm?Your name,maybe?Your initial?What do I allocate the tender,fleshy space between my elbow and my wrist to?

You ripped my heart out with the roots.Somedays I shutter at the idea that I still have a pulse.
Its no big deal.I just wash the blood of my wrists and burry my pittiful lamentations in the middle of my pillow.

For a second I feel as if the Earth is breathing beneath my feet.I'm drifting in and out of reality again.The living room floor opens up into a little crater and I climb in.I slide further and further into silence.My friend Durpin is here.He's smiling.I like it when Durpin smiles.It's so vague and strange it makes me blow a heart shaped spit bubble.It turns people off the way Durpin smiles.Not me.I know what he's thinking.When Durpin was a little boy,he lived in a house with a million rooms.His daddy loved him a lot.He loved him so much he let all his friends give him gifts and take his picture.Durpin didn't like the attention.He shot his daddy one day.

We don't ever give each other gifts.Never.Under any circumstance.

I'm holding my knees up against my chest.My lungs explode with green air.I've never felt this light.Durpin is laughing.Durpin never laughs.

He says he didn't come built with a laugh.Durpin's mom grew up in the circus.She can talk to all sorts of animals.People always think she's awfully strange walking around in that pink bath robe all the time.Taking the dog out,picking up groceries,dentist apointment.It never seemed odd to me.I knew she liked it a lot.And whenever she would lean over to poor me a glass of milk I could feel the lemon grass smell of her skin.I always knew she leaned over just so I can take a wiff.


We're sliding again.He's a lonely as I am.An arctic mess of margerine throws us around a slope.The sky is coloured chalk and the air smell like chocolate pie.Ginger bread pandas and strawberry rivers.Durpin is purple,green,blue with yellow spots.He's laughing again and it's the best song I've heard in years.

I'm forgetting to breathe again.I have as many holes in my shoes as I have in my heart.And I'm still nowhere near from knowing what I want.